Being single in 2020 already has its own anxiety wrapped around it. Now try throwing overcoming traumatic death, building an empire, and juggling being a full time nurse and Mommy/teacher during this pandemic into the mix. You can only imagine how lit it can be for me on any given day.
It was all a dream…well I wish it was anyway. It’s nothing like having the carpet pulled from right under you’re feet while you’re still standing on it. Thriving, starting your 30’s, standing tall in your truth, finally growing closer to God, financially stable, and fully realizing you are growing to be a force to be reckoned with. And then trauma hits, and hits so hard your whole world is turned literally upside down. But they say getting back up from that fall is the real prize right?
Educational tip: When someone goes through any type of death caused by trauma, the grief is now labeled as “complicated grief”. It is a little different than when someone expects and prepares for a death. Keep that in mind as I want my readers to understand fully how many different aspects of grief there are in the world.
I think I was so busy grieving and trying to get through each layer of grief that I did not even realize I was doing it “alone”. My last relationship ending a good year before my mother’s untimely murder, men were and still are the last thing on my mind..but NOW as I look back, I wonder if having that type of support during the most critically emotionally unstable time of life would have changed or altered some of the decisions I made after my mother’s death.
Now two years and 4 months after my trauma, I fell in love with a new career path in nursing (Hospice), newly certified in grief counseling; specifically the management of clients dealing with life after loss (stay tuned), new home, mom of a thriving soon to be 6 year old star You Tuber (Youtube:Kendis Korner), healthy and happy, I cannot express how grateful for all of the blessings that have been bestowed to me. Still with all of those accomplishments I’ve managed to attain after trauma…Love still wasn’t added to the menu.
SO I Know its not ME LOL. I am amazing, funny, creative, dope, beautiful, educated, smart, and a bona-fied hustler. My lawyer says theres a shortage of men in the world. Go figure. Lol. But I do understand my trauma and resilience from it all doesn’t help either. I am grateful to be an inspiration to many as I continue to just push through each day and live as authentically as I can, but it is hard for me to feel that my inspiration may also be my downfall.
I do not know how to not be myself and I did not pick this path nor expect to be on this journey without a special someone by my side but I am also not going to beat myself up about it or blame myself for being “too much” for someone regardless if its a friendship or relationship. People change, especially after life impacting situations, loss and birth. I’ve accepted I am not who I used to be and am so curious to see where I end up! I’ve learned that QUALITY surpasses QUANTITY and if I’m not your cup of tea…I’m somebody’s Seamoss & Carrot juice lol. Life is too short and I’m too dope to sweat the bullshit.
FourthQuarter hitting heavy! This may be the realest shit I ever wrote! #OpenLetter #Authentic #ME #Journey #LIFEAFTERDEATH